Confidence Is Messy: It Rises, Falls, and That’s the Point

Mel Robbins talks about confidence and it has helped me a lot! She uses the example of toddlers learning to crawl or walk. They fall down nineteen times in a row, but they don’t quit. They scooch forward, they wobble, they get back up.

When my own confidence falters, I come back to this visual and get a boost.

But then I started wondering: why do we falter at all? Why or how do we sometimes feel supremely confident and why sometimes we feel none at all.

That sent me digging into the research. And what I found is this: confidence was never meant to be constant. It rises, it falls, and that’s the point.

Confidence can be bolstered through intention

Confidence Is Situational (and Always Has Been)

Albert Bandura, one of the most respected psychologists of the last century, called this self-efficacy. His research shows that confidence depends on the situation. You might feel strong leading your team, but shaky in front of the board. That doesn’t mean you’re not confident - it simply means confidence moves with context.

The Brain Chemistry Loop

Neuroscientist Ian Robertson describes confidence as a feedback loop in the brain. Win at something, and dopamine surges. That win makes you more confident in the next challenge. But when you stumble, your brain holds back the dopamine, and confidence falls.

That cycle means your confidence today isn’t guaranteed tomorrow. It also means you can influence the loop by stacking up small wins, preparation, practice, and small acts of courage.

The Temptation of Quick Fixes (and the Controversy)

We all know confidence sells. Which is why the idea of “power posing” blew up after Amy Cuddy’s TED talk. The claim was simple: stand like Wonder Woman for two minutes, and your hormones and risk-taking ability would change. Millions of people tried it.

But unfortunately the science didn’t hold up. Large studies failed to replicate the hormonal effects. Dana Carney, one of Cuddy’s co-authors, went so far as to say, “I do not believe power pose effects are real.”

Does that mean body language has no impact? Not at all. Many people still report feeling a boost from expansive posture. But perhaps it’s a mood effect, not a hormone hack. What I take away from the controversy is: confidence isn’t built through tricks. It’s built through habits, context, and preparation.

The Self-Compassion Advantage

Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion shows people who treat themselves kindly after mistakes experience steadier confidence. Instead of crashing after a failure, they recover faster.

That’s the real point: It’s not about never wobbling. It’s about how quickly you return to center when you do.

And one of the fastest ways to reset is changing the voice in your head. After that it's about making a few changes.

A More Reliable Path Forward

What Not to Say to Yourself

• “I can’t believe I screwed that up. I’m not cut out for this.”

• “Everyone else has it figured out. I’m the only one failing.”

• “If I was really confident, I wouldn’t make mistakes.”

• “This proves I’m not good enough.”

What to Say Instead

• “Mistakes happen, this is one moment, not my whole story.”

• “Everyone wobbles; confidence isn’t constant.”

• “I don’t need to be flawless to be capable.”

• “This dip will pass. I’ve bounced back before, and I will again.”

A simple mantra you can use:

“Confidence is a tide; I know how to ride it back in”

Next, instead of chasing the illusion of permanent confidence:

• Stack small wins. Each one adds fuel to the dopamine loop.

• Prepare more than you think you need to. Competence drives confidence.

• Change your environment. You’ll feel different in a room that values you than in one that undermines you.

• Practice self-compassion. Don’t double down on shame when you slip. Reset and move forward.

The Bottom Line

Confidence rises and falls because we are human. Embrace that. There is no point in chasing unshakable confidence. Instead, build habits that help you reset faster when confidence ebbs. That’s the real power!

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